Parent-Child Relations, How much Discipline, How much love, Parents Dilemma

It is probably logical to assume that most of us love children, because they are very innocent and they make life look less boring. But this is true for some and others think that they are a big responsibility and tie us up. Both are true. Children are a lot of fun they keep us busy all the time.

When the child is an infant you carry the child, so we feel when the child grows up they can ,  make life lot easie for us, because they can walk on their own, but soon we find out they walk in all directions and touch almost anything and that presents us with another new issue, to make sure everything dangerous to touch is beyond their reach and or covered. For example, the low level electrical outlets, taps, medicine bottles, hot plates

Pesticide and insecticide bottles, paints everything and anything that is dangerous needs to be taken care of. The parents need to be quite alert. There is no point in the husband blaming the wife for everything. I do hope that he realizes that it is as demanding as his office work and will have the common sense to pitch in.

As we watch the child take out all the dishes from inside the kitchen cabinet and throw them out, or the pants and shirts folded and placed in the basket get unfolded it can be fun and it can be frustration too. One does not know what to do. Some give up in frustration and watch, some enjoy and some get furious. After all parents are humans too. That is why perhaps it is easier to enjoy the grand children than children. As parents we are always responsible for child safety and behavior while as grand parents we just give advice and smile.

Our response to the child’s actions may make a big difference in how the child handles future situations and also relates to us in future. Some parents may brag that they are very friendly relations with the child and there is no problem. But they may not be able to guess how far the child will drag this friendliness and later blame the parent for being friendly and not act like a parent. Some parents substitute excessive permissiveness, for love which they are unable to provide because they are busy with the work and other activities. Such permissiveness may affect the child in different grades like just getting bad grades to very serious consequences like drug use, and involvement in crime.

It is a dilemma all parents face- Should we discipline our children?, What is the right level of discipline?

When can we be permissive, what type of relationship should be maintained with kids?

As kids grow these become major issues and will play a major role in the future interactions between the child and parent.

On the other hand there is also parental exploitation of the children as unpaid labor, and may even be forced in to terrorism. The Child therefore also must exercise caution to at least make sure that he or she does not become the victim of parental greed or exploitation and be forced to commit crimes and terrorist activities

History of Child Discipline

The old testament refers to many punishments which we would call excessive. Similarly the code Hammourabi in the second millennium B.C., the mosaic law called “Talion”, the 18^th century hanging of a 12 year old boy for stealing a spoon and the flogging of trouble makers in schools in the 19^th century are now vicarious.

Thank God we also don’t have the whipping boys that got the beating when the royal prince offended.

The advice by Lewis Carol that a boy must be beaten for sneezing because he sneezed to deliberately annoy and tease would sound like a mammoth tyranny today and we must all be thankful to God for it. Yet I have an uncomfortable feeling when I read the papers about the hidden Talions, Hammourabis and Lewis Carols that surface out suddenly even today.

I am not a child psychologist but I have taken interest in reading Illingworth, Gesell and others. For what it is worth I thought I shall share some of their recommendations here.

I will leave the judgment to the reader who shall decide what is a sensible recommendation or just something to be brushed away

Does a Child Need Discipline ? How should it be?

Authority is needed and it should be firm, kind and reasonable and consistent. Such authority gives the child that sense of security which is essential for his emotional development. He needs discipline so that he can learn Self-discipline.

Lack of discipline is harmful to the child and spoils him. The spoilt child is insecure who knows that he can get his own way by demanding or the use of temper tantrum.

Lack of discipline is the early years is a major factor in juvenile delinquency, accident proneness and other undesirable traits. Pampering and excessive permissiveness are often confused with love and friendliness with children.

Discipline is excessive if it is not related to the level of development the child has reached. Beating up four five year old for breaking a glass vas does not help. It only confuses the child as he would not know the value of the object broken

Discipline should not be exerted as an outlet for the parents but should be more for the benefit of the child. Quite frequently parents have a tendency to shout at kids when they had a bad day at office and something is wrong otherwise. The child is a victim but is left confused as he will not be able to decipher the reason for the shouting.

Children become insecure if oppression though saying “No, No” is used too much for everything they do. They may see this as a unfair and turn out to be rebels. Such obedience if obtained through oppression will not be permanent.

Children react to oppressions. sleep forcing, bowl forcing and similar disciplines in different ways. These can be in the form of timidity, appearing not to hear commands, aggressiveness, negativism and temper tantrums.

A discipline devoid of love is unlikely to be effective or can produce negative results

All discipline must be accompanied by love. Parents must develop a sense of humor and should not react negatively if a child does something that hurts their ego.

A parent cannot address the child in rudely and expect the child to be polite. Often assume that it is their prerogative to say anything to the child including insulting on grades, poor performance in exams and similar acts of child which are below their expectations. Parents may engage in hurting the child by comparing them with the other brighter children and sometimes even insult them in presence of their friends. This can only increase the child’s negativism and dislike for the parent resulting in rude and blunt replies to parents.

Rules should be few but they should be obeyed. There must be a reason for the rules. If the child is old enough the child must be made to understand the reason.

If the parent is wise and knows the management of the child, the need for severe punishment will be less. The frequency of punishment can also be reduced considerably through wise management. A very trivial scolding with a mere change in tone should be enough for a rarely punished well managed child.

Parents tend to be permissive on occasions when they are in happy mood and prevent children from similar act the next time when their mood is bad after a rough day. But

consistency is needed in the punishment and rules. It will confuse the child if a child is allowed to do something one time and is not allowed to do the same thing next time

Parents should discuss the kind of punishment the child would get for doing something wrong It is better to reach an agreement on the type of punishment to be given by the parents. If there is a disagreement the child knows that what one parent disapproves the other condones. Shrewd children may exploit the situation.

Ten Most Important Recommendations are

1. child should behave well because he wants the approval of the parent whom he loves.

2. The child does not learn because of fear, admonition or scolding but because of love and example set by parents.

3. Discipline needs to be taught without tears

4. However, the child should learn that if he disobeys there will be some unpleasant consequence.

5. Threats of punishment should not be made if there is problem is carrying them out.

6. No punishment should be given until the child is old enough to understand . This should be decided based on his mental ability not real age.

7. The child should always be given a chance to explain what he has done.

8. Parents should understand the child’s motives before a punishment is given.

9. Punishment without an attempt to remove the underlying cause will not be effective.

10. A child cannot see what is wrong in doing something as easily as an adult can. A simple warning along with some explanation may be enough most of the time. There is no point in the parents getting tensed up and arguing in presence of the child